Moving, Apartments, Vacation, and Labor.

So, we're going house shopping tomorrow. It occurred to me that although I have my ideas of what I want and where I think it should be (house with a big living room, a yard, and an ocean view on Queen Ann Hill), But only God knows where the perfect place is for whatever it is he has planned for us is. If that makes sense to anyone.

So, Brandy & I (facilitated again by the wonderful sister who's agreed to watch our kids while we're out) are going to look at five places or so tomorrow and then find a coffeeshop to pray them over and see what the Lord says. It's crazy to think it's almost June now, we haven't even started boxing stuff up yet.

A couple of days ago now I got to go down to Winlock and help my grandma out at her house. She's trying to get it ready to sell, so all the t-posts and huge wood posts with concrete bases had to be pulled up out of the ground, sorted, and laid in the truck. So I got to do that for the better part of the day, then I got up on the roof and figured out a way to take down the TV-Antenna-on-a pole-contraption my great uncle had macguyvered to the roof with a 40' douglas fir trunk/pole. I ended up tying a rope around the rest of the tree-pole and lowering it down from the roof after sawing off the antenna. It was all a lot of fun really, and I got good and sore by the end of the second day.
And my grandma gave me a coleman stove out of the garage! Sweet! I've really been wanting one of those.

Then before that we took the kids to Kalaloch, a beach on the Olympic coast that my mom used to take us to when we were kids. I took a bunch of pictures of Brandy and the kids, got some great ones of Jaelle on the still-wet shore that makes it look like she's walking in the sky.
We all had a LOT of fun there, even if we froze during the night. (I couldn't feel my feet when I woke up, I had to rub them back to life) I got up in the morning and started a fire for Brandy (she told me she loves morning campfires) and she made me some really good egg/sausage scramble stuff over the campfire.
We've got to do that more often!

Oh, and I registered for fall-quarter classes @ SPU. Biology, Christian Formation, and Koine Greek. Registration/Orientation went great. I was the only one during Advising that was going for classics, so I had the Classics professor all to myself for questions and to figure out my schedule, so what normally is confusing, chaotic, and time-consuming took all of 20 minutes.

Water and the Blood

So I was reading in 1 John and came across the part in chap. 5 where he says "This is he who came by water and blood—Jesus Christ; not by the water only but by the water and the blood. And the Spirit is the one who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth. For there are three that testify: the Spirit and the water and the blood; and these three agree." This part has always been one of those passages I read over and am impressed by, but don't really understand. And as I thought about it it reminded me of another passage - you know that part in John's account of the crucifixion, how he says that when Jesus' side was pierced with the spear, "water and blood poured out"? John seems to think it's a big deal, and I never quite understood why. I mean, blood and water are big symbols in Scripture, but still I wasn't sure why John seemed to think that it was so important that he would say "And he who has seen has testified, and his testimony is true; and he knows that he is telling the truth, so that you also may believe..." He says it was to fulfill the prophecy that Jesus' bones wouldn't be broken, and that "they will look on Him whom they pierced" But it seemed to me that it was significant beyond this. So today I looked into it and I found something that was very interesting. I was thinking how Jesus' side was pierced, and that got me thinking, there's something else about a side that's very important, isn't there?... yes! Adam! To make sure, I checked the greek word for "Side" in John 19, which is "pleuron" and then checked the septuagint for Genesis 2 to make sure that it doesn't use some different greek work specifying a rib bone or something. But, although most translations read "rib" the word IS pleuron - the same as in Jesus' case at the crucifixion! When God was going to make Adam a companion suitable to him, what did he do? He took Eve, Adam's bride, out of his side, so that Adam could say in complete truth that "This is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone." It was almost as if Adam in a sense gave birth to his wife, out of His side, through an act of God. In the same way, Jesus' side was "opened up" and let flow that which made the birth of his Bride (the Church, you and I) possible. Jesus, in the giving of His blood for a new covenant and for forgiveness for us who would become His church, and the washing with water through the word to make us blameless for himself:
"This is my blood of the new covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins."
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless."

In meaning this is also connected to the sacraments of Baptism and The Lord's Supper, both of which are the only things of a symbolic nature he told those who would follow Him to do. Symbolic of us sharing in Jesus' death and resurrection, and of taking in His life "Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in Me, and I in Him"..."Having been buried with him in baptism and raised with him through your faith in the power of God, who raised him from the dead."

It's also interesting to me that the early church fathers indicate that the significance of the water and blood coming from Jesus' side was indicative of "two baptisms" among other things. And they drank the Wine of the Lord's supper mixed with water.

So just as God through the living tissue from Adam's side produced a bride, So the new Adam, Jesus, gave out His own life to begin a new creation - and purchase a people for Himself, who would be zealous for good works. He gave birth to the church out of his side, a Bride that will be a fit companion for Him, just as woman is the glory of Man, so we will be the Glory of our Heavenly Bridegroom - "When He appears, we will be like Him, for we will see him as He is"

Encouragements and Exhortations

Due to the kindness of a friend from church who watched our herd of hobbits, Brandy and I were able to go out for an early Anniversary present almost a week ago now. We made it up to Seattle and enjoyed fish and chips up by the Ballard locks and walked through the garden near there. Then we went to a Tully's nearby and sat down to talk. It was especially good to have time to talk about our plans and hopes and thoughts. Before that day I really hadn't tried to organize them enough to present them in any sort of order, and here are a few.

I've had a sort of "drifting" feeling within the past months, of aimlessness - like I'm just existing. I've had doubts about the Lord's plans for us out here - maybe doubts isn't the right word, more like lack of interest. I've treated everything as it comes with indifference, like going to school, or my job, as a separate instance of life, not as a part of a greater unified plan.

Normally I hate planning, because it seems like things so rarely go to plan, and I don't like setting myself up for disappointment. But as I thought about it, I could definitely see the working hand of God in all that's happened with us over the past year. I am coming to believe that it's through my timidity in recognizing it AS the work of my Lord Jesus and the lax way I've talked about our circumstances and plans that have killed the zeal I should be burning with. "And without faith it is impossible to please Him". I had been asking God for specific things for the past three years:
#1. to send us somewhere, then receiving the word to Washington,
#2. I asked for a job, and believed I was being led specifically to the Job at SPU Security, and God not only brought us out here safely, but gave us a place to live, and out of many candidates gave me my current Job. When back in MN I looked at this job, I prayed about going back to school and in part applied with hope of getting tuition discounts.
#3. When I applied to go to SPU, I asked the Lord to give me a sign financially if I was to Go to school with his blessing. I got a full ride with grants and scholarships (didn't have to take out any loans) The amount I've been given to pay for school this year is almost exactly what it will take for a year @ SPU (almost 30K). If my Father hasn't done this, then who has? I could never have afforded this on my own. If it wasn't for my conviction that the Lord was taking us out here, I never would have thought to apply for the job @ SPU security, since they asked for someone with a B.A. in the listing, whereas I don't even have an A.A. .

God has given us a good church to go to here, with a pastor who is genuinely interested in us for the Lord's sake, and who takes the time to go through the "Men in Turn" leadership training with me and to keep me in the word and serving while waiting for God to move us up to the Seattle area. It's not many pastors who would be willing to give that time to someone they knew was only going to be in their congregation for a year. He also shelled out a chunk of cash to give me the resources for that program gratis, including the "Foundations for Pentecostal Theology" book and the Chuck Smith "Through the Bible" series. Because of his working with me I've memorized the first two chapters of Titus (which sadly enough is the first time I've ever memorized two consecutive chapters of scripture) and am now working on the 3rd. May God repay him for all he's done for my good!

Also, a couple nights ago I was kicking students out of OMH at about 2:30AM (it's the physics and mathematics building, so the students would stay there all night to do homework if they were allowed to). I started talking to one of the guys, and as we began talking he asked about my work, and I told him why I went to work here in part-to study classics to learn Greek and Latin and learn the background of scripture better. Then I pointed out that it didn't have any occupational value but was only for my own enjoyment (which is a lie, since I want to do it to Serve my God and His people, but I've said that so many times in an apologetic way as if I was ashamed for going to school for something not technical or "practical" to make money that I'd almost come to believe it) But this blessed kid says "Well, that sounds like it will open up lots of opportunities to minister and serve God" and I again pointed out that I meant unlike physics, which he studies, my degree will have next to no money value, and he replied, "Well, that's why I study physics, so I can support people like you!"

I shut my mouth, and for a second almost felt like crying. I'd convinced myself almost that no one values what I want in my heart and felt the call to - to teach and feed the Word of God to men, and to go to school to supplement this. And here this kid in one sentence made me ashamed of my shame and encouraged me to no end, to think that there are people who so value the word of God and the office of Overseer that they would work to support it! God forgive me. But what that kid said stuck with me, and I have felt its encouragement 'til now.

God help me to encourage others too, I've been reminded how much it's needed!

So I told all this to Brandy, and she told me she's been in the same funk of not feeling like we're doing anything, and like I was going to school just to go to school, and a feeling of unreality regarding us starting a church.

And the more I've been thinking about it, I know I've got to recover a passionate love for God, and a pursuit of Him, and an "Abiding in Him". That's where all these desires came from in the first place, and I can't recover passions created by the lifeblood of Jesus Christ without being plugged firmly into his Vine, and drinking in His life. All these dreams are just that without him, and will be impossible to pursue without Him in me to give me works, to will and to work his pleasure-with pleasure.

time not tasted - is it wasted?
what if we're not meant to feel
each moment like a pouring rain?
what if seconds have meaning
even while I sleep
And when you present Me to me,
in person like yourself
will I be surprised
that I was fed
by minutes never felt?

Well, now the van has been resurrected, It had died on the way to church, but after last Saturday when it started up, I drove it home and changed the fuel filter, and it's still running! Thank God. Also I used some mix-weld compound to fix the muffler, so now it doesn't sound like a 4-wheeler Harley Davidson anymore.

I'm listening to a couple of MP3's of "Kallistos Ware" An eastern orthodox bishop who's a big voice for the "orthodox" church. I'm listening out of interest because I've known a lot of fellow evangelicals who've gone orthodox, and remember my dad almost did for a while.

Also finished "Baudolino" by Umberto Eco, it was interesting but sad. Made me excited to look into Byzantine History more.

May 16th I'm gonna go sign up for classes @ SPU, that's also Josiah's birthday, so I hope to get it done and get out of there quick and easy.

We found out that apparently our lease is a year and 28 days, not just a year as we'd thought, so we have to wait to move for another month or so now. I was looking forward to moving sooner, but Rom 8:28 is still in full effect, so I trust it's for good reason.
I've finished memorizing Titus chapters 1&2 as part of the "Men In Turn" group @ Calvary Chapel South. This is the first time I've memorized two consecutive chapters of Scripture, (not the first time I've tried) and I was really happily surprised how easy it was! I guess in part it's because it's an assignment that I've been given, and there's an expectation of an authority (A Pastor) that I'll have a certain amount memorized every two weeks. It's sad that my own desire isn't enough to get me to memorize this quickly, that I need accountability to get it done, but it seems like it's like that with everything. For the past month or so, I've been working out and running with a friend from work every Monday and Tuesday morning - which I very likely wouldn't be doing if I didn't have someone who expected me to be there. I guess that accountability is like a means by which, If we're really serious about any sort of discipline, we'll reinforce our decisions. I remember when I first truly was saved, God impressed on me that I couldn't just lay around and expect God to sanctify me on the sly, If I wanted my eyes to be right, I had to get rid of my Maxim magazines, if I wanted to break out of my introspection and love people, I had to force myself to talk to people. If I was going to testify to Jesus Christ, I had to set myself up, by doing things like scripturally themed art pieces for school assignments to have a chance to explain them.

Well, I'm at work, and my break's up, and I guess that's all the thinking time I have.

Drinking tea with lemon, and gauging whether or not I feel good enough to run this morning, or if this mini-cold will cripple my monday morning exercise routine yet again. So far, so good, I think the tea is helping.
Just read an essay my little brother wrote on perception, it's really good. I'm surprised, he never really wrote anything before - at least anything I remember enjoying. But this essay was very clear (clearer, at least, than my writing) and reminded me of Kierkegaard's essay "The Crowd is Untruth" which I recommend (not on authority though, because that would defeat the purpose).
Our van is in questionable health too, it stalled out on us on the way to church, but our brothers & sisters in Christ rolled up their sleeves and pushed us to the church parking lot after service, gave us a ride home, and helped me look at it this past Saturday. But by then it was too late, since on Saturday it started up just fine and tried to act as if nothing happened, but it's not fooling me. I know it's biding its time til I'm tooling down I5 in rush hour traffic, and then *putter putter wheeze croak*-it'll give up the ghost. So I'm not going to even try and drive it til my weekend, which starts tomorrow morning.
But I replaced the fuel filter all by myself, to feel manly.

I am now 28, and I have just finished Atlas Shrugged.

The following is fiction to illustrate a true principle:
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I stretched out on the thin ledge, gripping what chunks of rock I could to hold on in the rising wind. My friend with me grinned idiotically into the distance as I looked over the edge and winced - a sheer drop of about a quarter mile, and jagged basalt at the bottom.
Hey, don't worry, we've got rope! he chuckled with good humor, and proceeded to unwind a forty foot length of 10mm climbing rope and looked up with an ecstatic grin at the cliff edge some thirty feet above us.
"What are you going to do with that?" I asked. "Oh, he said, it's rope, you know. As long as you've got rope you're all right." He started flailing one end of it upwards, and after about five tries he got one end of it to lay at the top, maybe it was sunk in the snow up there, I had no way of knowing, I was just impressed he'd gotten one end of it to stay up there.
"Great", I said, "now what?"
"Well, as long as we've got rope we're unstoppable!" he said. "I'm going up!"
and with that, before I could process what was happening or stop him, he leaped up holding the rope with a shout of "Rope will carry me through this!" the end of the rope at the top flipped back off and went sailing down at terminal velocity with my friend to the meat-grinding plateau below us. I grabbed uselessly at the rope as it passed but it was about four feet out from the ledge as it fell. I almost fell myself in the process, yelled something I probably shouldn't have and scrabbled at the rock with my bleeding fingertips until I got what I was sure was a firm grip. The last I saw of my friend in one piece was his confused face plummeting down, I could read his lips:"but..I had rope!"
Hours later, still clinging like a limpet to the ledge, I heard some shuffling from up over my head, and when I looked at the cliff summit, I saw through the misty air a face peering down at me, It looked friendly from what little I could see of it, it was starting to get dark.
"What are you doing down there?" - so I wasn't hallucinating, I thought. "I'm trying not to fall!" I said.
"So I see. would you like to get up here? There's far less chance of falling then."
"Yes! Of course I would - please help me!"
Okay", he said, and threw down a length of rope. With a sense of relief I saw it dangle in front of me and I grabbed on, then remembered my friend, now dead. "Wait! I said, my friend threw some rope up there and it didn't work, he fell!"
"Well, the man said, what did he have it tied on to up here?"
"Tied?" I asked, "Nothing I guess...He just threw it up there!"
"What?!?" He almost shouted. "That poor fool! Didn't he know a rope's only as good as what's on the other end? And he had NOTHING on the other end??? Where did he expect it to take him?"
"He's dead now", I said angrily.
"Well, nothing else could have been the result with that method", he said sadly. "But this rope here's tied to a stone that's part of this mountain, it's not going anywhere, and I'll pull you up as soon as you tie yourself on!"
Well, I thought, that's all well and good, but I can't see that stone, how am I supposed to know that it's there? Just take your word on it?
I said as much, and He raised his eyebrows, knelt down and took hold of the rope, and with a swift jump and twist he rappelled down to where I was, smiled at me, and climbed hand over hand as fast as a spider back to the top.
"Now, are you ready?" He gave the rope a shake from the top and the end wiggled in my face.
"All right", I said, "I am"! And tied myself on.
In another fifteen seconds I was at the top, safe, and headed in his truck to the town he had built at the summit.
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All this to say:
1. Hope - it's not supposed to be a buzzword, no word is. It's supposed to mean something. Just like rope isn't a standalone, a word is not meant to be just a cheerleading noise.

2. Hope, in order to have a meaning, must be directed towards something, just as rope has to be tied to something to be of use.

3. Hope, like the rope, is only as good as what it's attached to on the other end.
Hope in hope will not save anyone from anything except maybe the capability of dealing with reality until it's too late. You need to know what you expect from hope, and what reason you have to expect it.

What do I hope for?
I hope to be fully redeemed from all that's wrong in this world and in me, including the very likely possibility that I will physically die.
I fully expect to be raised physically from the dead to a new kind of indestructible, pure, joyful and everlasting life, and to receive a reward for the things I did in my current body, whether good or bad. I expect this to happen when Jesus Christ returns to renew and rule the earth.

What is my hope attatched to? Jesus Christ and his Word.
Why do I think that it is not just "rope tossed into the air"? -Because Jesus Christ physically rose from the dead about 1,973 years ago, and in Him and through his physical resurrection God proved that my hope is firmly attached to a solid anchor, to a fully attainable goal. Just like in the story the man who threw down the rope climbed down to prove that it would hold, So God in history raised Jesus Christ from the dead so we could examine and see for ourselves through the evidence that history provides that His word is like a steel cable, it will hold.
And a hope like that is worth hanging on to.

I have been reading Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" after finishing "The Brother's Karamazov". Between those and spending depressing amounts of time uploading other literature onto my kindle, I have realized that I have hardly read the word of God at ALL!!!
God help me, no wonder I feel so fragile. It's no wonder that the spirit is the center of a man, and a weak spirit is as incapable of holding up a body as a weak spine. I've had more fears and anxieties to fight in the last couple weeks that I have in a long time, or at least it's the first time in a while I've been prey on their radar.
:::
Just got back from church, all better.

I have a headache. But the aspirin is casting it out slowly.

The day after tomorrow I am being sent to "Fire Academy" where we get to play fireman out at some Firefighter training academy up in the mountains for some 12 odd hours - dressing up in the gear and putting out fires. It's for work, since we're the first responders for fire emergencies as well as medical and pretty much everything else.

This is an interesting job, in a lot of ways it reminds me of being an on-call chaplain in St. Paul. Last week I had to respond to a call where a girl was cutting herself to relieve stress and ended up doing a worse job than she'd intended. NOT what I'd want to see, but I guess I'd rather it be me than someone else responding to it. I got to talk to her boyfriend a couple days later and he was very grateful for what we did, and said that she was doing better now. He said I was very "calming".
I seem to have that effect on many people. It's almost like I'm a sedative or something. I remember when I was little my mom would have me read to her to put her to sleep, which was very annoying to me because I want ppl to enjoy a book with me if I'm reading it to them, and if they're asleep that's hardly what I had in mind. Brandy falls asleep when I read to her too.

The first round of Layoffs @ SPU is over, and Safety and Security got through it unscathed, as far as I know. Next year they'll reassess and see if we need to lose more ppl. Praise God I kept my job, I really do like it here. And it's nice being at a job where I expect to stay for longer than two years. I wonder, it would hardly do for them to lay me off now that I'm accepted to go to school here, since I'll (Lord Willing) be bringing in more money with grants etc... than they pay me in a year.

Brandy & Theresa caught a crab at the beach on accident while gathering shells two or three weeks ago. it's a little tiny shore crab (about as big as a dime) with a white carapace. Brandy decided to keep it as a pet and got rocks and sand and a round fishbowl thing to keep it in with barnacles and krill and other tiny sea creatures that came along for the ride in the bucket. She goes to the beach every couple of days to get fresh seawater for the new "aquarium". Then night after she decided to keep it she had a dream where it grew huge and got out of the cage and I was trying to catch it but it was too fast, and then it turned into a dog, like the Scrunt from "Lady in the Water". Hopefully that doesn't happen. When Theresa found it she was washing shells in the sink and it jumped out, and she tried to hit it (Brandy & Theresa like to kill small things that crawl) but only succeeded in knocking off two of it's tiny legs. But yesterday it molted and its legs grew back. Brandy says it looks a lot bigger now, and I laughed and said as long as it doesn't turn into a dog we're all right. She laughed because that's what she was thinking about too.

Just listened to Andrew Petersen's "Far Country" on the drive in tonight, made me tear up. I haven't listened to that album in a long while, but it's so good, especially "Queen of Iowa". His voice is kind of nasal, but the words and the passion make up for it. I remember when Dominic got me that album off Itunes he said it reminded him of me. That whole year it seemed like everything I was reading and listening to had to do with Heaven, the New Heavens and Earth, and the Resurrection. That was a good year but intense. I want that kind of intensity though, I want to be urgent in everything that has to do with Jesus and the Gospel - even if it gives me ulcers. Like the four month period (more like a year off and on) where I was trying to reconcile the accounts of the resurrection in the gospels & that was a huge issue because it would decide whether or not I would be able to believe in the inerrancy of scripture. I want to take all these things seriously, because if they're real, they're pretty much the only things worth taking seriously, and if they're not, than they're not worth "taking" at all.

The last couple weeks I feel like I've been in isolation, all I've been doing is working, I hardly feel like I've been able to spend time with Brandy or the kids, but I haven't really done anything with anyone outside of the house.

Well, that's not entirely true. T.J. and I have been working out about once a week, and I'm almost to the level I was when I'd stopped working out in college! It makes me happy. Although I ran two miles on the treadmill this morning and it took me 18 minutes!!! that's terrible - more of a jog than a run. AND I dropped my Ipod.

But I do want to DO something. Something important. I really need to start getting some bible studies ready.

TJ and I had a long talk about the upper middle class after working out this morning. I don't like the upper middle class, and he wants to be the upper middle class. I guess for me when I think of the upper middle class I think about the seed sown on the thorny ground, where the thorns which were the cares of the world and deceitfulness of riches grew around the plant and choked it. But that doesn't give me any right to dislike them I suppose, I should love them... But I don't trust them.

Almost finished with a book cover for Beth that I promised to do at the beginning of the year...horrible - why do I take so long with everything? I finally got the scanner at work to work and was able to get the image on my computer. T.J. looked through my sketchbook and spent the rest of the hour trying to convince me to go into freelance graphic design and make lots of money. I thought that was funny. Also, it seems like every time I draw people, the guys I draw look like me. I've got to start drawing other guys out of magazines or something to get out of that rut. It comes from having to use myself as a model and getting facial proportions off myself for my concept of what the male face looks like. But it's odd, I don't try and make them look like me.

I want to read "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand, after reading "Anthem" I really want more. Apparently they're making a movie of it too.

And now I've got to get to work.

So, it looks as if I am going to school after all. I got a financial aid letter the other night saying that I'm getting enough grants and awards to cover almost all of my tuition. I wasn't expecting it, to tell the truth.
So, what this means is that Brandy & I (Lord willing) will be moving up closer to seattle, in the Magnolia/Queen Anne area.

Most of all though I want us to do God's will, I know he didn't have us come all the way out here just so I could go to school. My main prayer is that God will lead us where we need to go, and that he would help us to know when and where to start a bible study, and which church to get involved with up there.

The church here has kind of started to hold us at arms length, at least that's how I feel. The guy in charge of the youth ministry called me last week and said that due to pastor's orders he's taking over Relate again, since he's the Youth leader and all - apparently he'd never cleared handing Relate off to me with the pastor, and once the pastor found out he told Joe that shouldn't be happening. It's just as well since Joe's been taking most of the Relate sessions anyway, the ones that weren't vetoed by special speakers etc...
The pastor here was really encouraging me to start "Men in Turn" -his version of pastoral training, after some coaxing I agreed, and then after putting in all the paperwork I've been chasing him around the past month trying to set up an appointment to meet with him about it, since he said we have to meet first to start the training. I finally got a date from him, and it's going to be another week or so till we can meet to start this thing I filled the paperwork out for last month.
It almost feels like an old school CC St. Paul "Test".
He also kept dropping very strong hints that he wants me to stay here and not move, and become part of the ministry here in CC South, but I encouraged no illusions of that happening, and I think they've finally taken me seriously and are withdrawing...

But, this could all be me being pessimistic. I have a tendency to do that; for instance: if something of mine is missing for a couple days, I assume that it's been stolen and get upset at the hypothetical thief, only to find the "stolen" possession behind the couch or in my closet or wherever I left it last. Why do I think the worst of people?

I finally broke down and shelled out the money to get the (ridiculously expensive) Logos for Mac bible engine, so that I can open up my Oswald Chambers and Francis Schaeffer CD's and hopefully load them on the Kindle.
All this reading... Reading through Brother's Karamazov again, but I just read a quote of John Wesley that struck me:

Beware that you are not swallowed up in books! An ounce of love is worth a pound of knowledge.
- John Wesley


Sigh.

Prayer on a Tuesday morning.

I have framed you with so many stones I cannot see your image
I have dressed you up so well I can't see the man
Jesus cut through dust of ages
come into my room
I am full term
don't let me be
don't let me die inside the womb
Men are billions, words are many, you are only one
They have their children, I would be yours,
turn me to a son!

All that's called gold does not glitter.

I was talking to a good friend a week or two ago who espouses a blend of Buddhism and Agnosticism, which since Buddha himself was something of an agnostic, is almost a natural blend.) -Actually, I think he and I ended up talking about the same thing a couple of months ago when we last went out for coffee.
Anyway, we got on the subject of the "Golden Rule" as it's stated by Buddhism and Christianity. He was saying the virtue of the Buddhist formulation is that it's in the negative, (don't do to others what you would not want done to you) so it keeps you from getting into other people's business.) I can't really remember what I said in response, but I was thinking about it tonight on the drive into work, and I've decided that the version spoken by Jesus Christ is the purest form. I think this because the Buddhist version asks us not to do, whereas do unto others as you would have them do unto you makes plain a fact of human existence:

It's impossible to "not" do.

As human beings, all of our actions (and apparent inactions) require a dictate of the will, even in not doing we have made a choice, and to choose is to do. As human beings, even if we're paraplegic (as long as we're conscious) can't stop willing, can't stop doing. And Jesus' words give a more basic and true to fact exhortation than any negative version can.

I think what got me thinking about it is that I'm reading through Aldous Huxley's "Island" which is a utopian novel showcasing the same themes as his other novel "Brave New World" (therapeutic drugs, therapeutic sex, organizing society) but this time with a walloping dollop of mahayana Buddhism thrown in to make the mix glow. It's about an island where everything is happy and everyone's well adjusted due to population control, buddhist philosophy, tantra, open families and happy mushrooms. It's like the U.N. playbook, and a vision of the best the world has to offer. But he really pushes the Buddhist philosophy and really criticizes Christianity in the book, which is what got me thinking about the conversation I'd had with my friend again.

Now, to practice!

Worship came out of my eyes
I poured out my soul
through the grate
down a hole
while my Idols lay still
as all idols will
now it's dripping in the dark
it's not like a set of keys
I can't bend hanger and fish it out
for a soul is a slippery thing
best kept for sure hands
and I need yours now
to forgive,
and fish it out.

I am very thankfully excited that I'm getting (Lord willing, barring disaster or more faulty customer service) a Kindle 2 and the Hebrew Rosetta Stone software. And I should actually be able to use it since Brandy will have her own computer. By the grace of God I'll be speaking the language of the patriarchs in no time, while reading the complete works of George Mac-D, G.K. Chesterton, Thomas Aquinas, and others for pennies! Thank you socialist tax return!

This will rock.

I had to explain to Josiah the other day what a transvestite is.

We were taking a family outing to the mall, and as Josiah and I were walking apart for a bit, I stopped for some reason or other and knelt down, as I did a transvestite came walking past, and I saw josiah do a double take, and stretch his neck out like he does when he's trying to get a better look at something unusual. The poor misguided thing walked past, and josiah watched it go with his little eyebrows scrunched up. Then he patted me on the back and said, "Dad, dad - that guy was wearing girl clothes!" So I said yes, he was, and explained that a small percentage of the population is messed up in the head, and because they don't know Jesus, and they don't know God, they don't know up from down either and want to be girls and want guys to like them so they dress like girls 'cause they think that will help. Josiah shook his head, with a half smirk and raised eyebrows, and laughed again at the silliness of the idea, and said - "ha!, a guy! wearing girl clothes! that's just wierd." Then he asked why the guy didn't believe in Jesus and I told him I wasn't sure, but that there are a lot of weird things like that in this world because lots of people don't know Jesus. Then we re-joined Brandy & the other two kids and headed for the gumball machine.

The Horrors of Customer Service

And the Wonders of Forgiveness.



I don't Know what else our apartment management and Fedex could have in common, but their customer service is one at least.

For the past three weeks ago people have been helping themselves to our parking spot, and we've (for the most part) not been able to catch the people going in or out of their vehicles. So it's been a tossup whether or not we're parking in the "visitor" spot every time we pull in. Half the time it happens when I'm away @ work, and the interlopers stick around until morning. We decided that most of the traffic came from the drug dealers a couple apartments over.

And Fedex was supposed to have delivered Brandy's new Macbook two days ago, but the pkg tracking has for the past two days read "Delivery attempted, residents not home or business closed" which is bogus since we've been doing little else but sitting home looking out the window for the FedEx truck, which never came. So after about five or six calls to their cust. svc line, with five or six different stories and excuses (none of which agreed with each other or made any sense) And three calls to Apple, I discovered that the contract Apple has with Fedex for deliveries dictates they're not allowed to talk to each other (what the heck?!?). So they can't help us. After another couple of calls to Apple I got a guy who gave us a 50.00 credit - nice of him- saying that I could go down to the FedEx hub and pick the pkg up, (which by the way, FedEx was adamant that we couldn't do) So I drove down there anyway in desperation to find a real live person to talk to. I did, a woman @ the actual FedEx office across the st. from the FedEx "home delivery" office (apparently they're private local contractors who work for FedEx but aren't really Fedex employees) who told me to call them again and have them hold the pkg tomorrow and she would go with me down to their office to straighten it out. Then I stopped a Fedex home deliver courier I saw parked in a lot and asked her if she had my computer, (she didn't) and she gave me some useful info that cleared up some of the babble we got over the phone. I've concluded that to people on the phone, the voice on the other end is just that - a voice, some kind of annoying noise that you've got to get off the phone as quick as possible by whatever means necessary. Talking to people in person is so much nicer. And so are the people.
So tomorrow I'm supposed to go down there and pick it up.
Also, I've nearly given myself an ulcer getting angry and frustrated over all this, even after Brandy & I had a talk about forgiveness and when someone has you carry something for them one mile going the extra, how Jesus told us to deal with ppl who step on our "rights", but I forgot in just a day, and went back to working on my ulcer, but today I was reading through James 4 which I was assigned to teach out of for Youth ministry, and the first part about why we get angry - because we want something and don't get it... Yeah. So I got better and prayed with Brandy, who I'd influenced over the past couple days to the point where she was upset and ulcery too, and we read through our Psalms & Proverbs for the day until it all got washed away in the great Antacid of Faith in a faithful God.

I got my acceptance letter in the mail from SPU today, it reminded me that last night (morning? I don't sleep at night so it must've been yesterday morning after getting home) I had a dream where the current president of SPU was voted out and was getting very surly while being forced to pack up and go. An unlikely and interesting dream, since it has very little chance of coming true and since I know so little about Pres. E. that I am surprised he featured in my dream.

Brandy & I also tried to watch Fight Club which Netflix had sent us because they didn't have the next item on our list readily available. I say "tried" because there was something wrong with the DVD that caused it to get all unbalanced in the DVD player and make an odd sound like a washer on spin cycle. So I took that as a sign of God's displeasure over us trying to watch that particular movie, which I wasn't at all surprised at because I was kind of wondering whether or not we should be watching it in the first place. I mean, I liked it when I watched it as a pagan, I appreciated its critique of American commercialism and inhumanity, but there's just so much to strain the conscience in it too, and I hesitated even trying to watch it. So when its imbalance cause the rumbling of Divine Wrath to emanate from our DVD player, I embarrasedly explained to Brandy my interpretation of this "sign", and we ended up reading Psalms and Proverbs instead, and the first couple chapters of Romans. I'm glad we did. Then I read her a little bit from where we left off in the "Fellowship of the Ring" and had dinner.

And now I'm @ work, praying that no one in Robbins or the Wesleys decides it would be a good idea to get drunk and noisy, and filling out an incident report about a "No Parking" sign that someone ran over.

I should honestly post more often because whenever I DO sit down to type I can't think of where to begin and what should be left out to make it readable...

The pastor's conference in the beginning of Feb was phenomenal. Not only did they have free espresso drinks and gluttony-provoking food catered in-house, the spiritual food and caffeine was fit to match it. We'd gone hoping mainly for some time together away from the kids (I had been disappointed by a "Men's Rally" sort of conference I'd gone to some weeks before and had very low expectations for the teaching portion) but the sessions were very worthwhile. The drive out was beautiful, I had Brandy read me "The Fellowship of the Ring" for as long as she could (which wasn't very long) but that was just about fine because the scenery through the mountains demanded too much attention to listen anyway. I saw Venus about a hundred feet up in the air, it looked like if I'd climbed to the summit of a nearby mountain I could've touched it. We got to stop at a perkins for breakfast with Jeremiah & Nicole (I haven't had a perkins breakfast in forever, and very few things are as fun as road trip caravan breakfast breaks).
When we were actually at the conference we had some good conversing time with pastor (my father in law) Don, Pastor Seth, & Pastor Chik - who screamed and performed his usual theatre at the catering table enough to make four hundred people stop and stare, until it felt like Appleton.
The conference began with communion and a request that we pray for one another concerning whatever was on our hearts, I asked some nearby brethren to pray for me about our future (to go to school or not, to move closer to Seattle or not, to start a bible study or not) and to keep me from pride (concerning the guys in youth group, who seem to consider me some sort of genius) - yes, I know it's lame to even have to fight pride over the compliments of 18 year olds, but everyone has their weakness, and mine (one of them) is being complimented. And that's exactly why I was begging for prayer. One of the guys all but accused me of repressing my wife who he was sure was just waiting for a chance to cut me down to size, he was sure of this because that's what his wife does. At first I bristled a little, but I figured I'd let him assume whatever he wanted to assume so long as he prayed for me, and if there was anything in need of remedying, God would remedy it. So they prayed for me and I prayed for them, after which I told Brandy about the conversation and asked her if she felt oppressed and if there was anything she would like to say to bring me back to the cold reality of my insufficiency as a human being, and she proceeded to tell me how gifted she thinks I am, which I told her didn't help my pride at all, but did make her seem a lot hotter even than usual.
Then the second speaker covered the subject of pride thoroughly enough to disembowel my self-esteem through my tear ducts, which I take to always be an act of God, and the one two later spoke about the future. Then at the lunch session on the second day P. Chik called me aside to exhort me to get to what we came out here for and start a church before I got old and fogeyey. I also took this to be the voice of God.

So Brandy & I have been praying about the where and how. Last week we went on a drive through the Magnolia district as it is close to the university and has no CC's within a fair radius. It was gorgeous. I declared a major today in the admissions dept, and picked up the requirement sheet for the "Classics" major. I also reveived the news from Fin. Aid that they won't really have anything to say to me re: my Fafsa until about April - which surprised me since they sent me an email a week ago telling me I needed to submit my FAFSA post haste since the time was fast approaching. Maybe they thought I was applying for spring semester.

Took Brandy out Arching with her longbow, it was a comical experience all round and worthwhile, but I've got to find a closer place for us to shoot at. Puyallup is kind of out of the way. Enoch was miserable the entire time at being in his stroller and not being allowed to wander in the line of fire, and he did his best to make sure everyone else was miserable too.
Brandy got better by the time we wrapped up for the day, she also got a lot of bruising on her left forearm from the string drag. We need to get her some sort of arm guard thingie.

My old best friend from High School Ian McDonald the agnostic lawyer finally emailed me back. I thought he was done with me and due to the influence of Seattle's atmosphere didn't want to talk to his fundamentalist friend Judah anymore, but apparently I was mistaken, he's been in self-imposed exile studying for the Bar for the second time. He suggested we go out for coffee or a run, I suggested we go with the coffee, and he also wanted to have dinner sometime & meet my kids. I was just praying for him a couple days ago for the first time in some months, so I don't think it's coincidence that he contacted me when he did. I'm really looking forward to seeing him again.

After sending out a stock email about my book of poetry I self-published via "Blurb.com" I received two email responses of "Congratulations" which was exremely embarrassing, I think they thought it was actually published by a publishing house of some kind. It made me feel like that time in Jerusalem when a rabbi was being effusively welcoming and friendly to me until he figured out I was not a Jewish youth contemplating making aliah - at which point he shuddered at the thought of having spoken to a goy such as I and sped away.
But another person is paying me to autograph and send a copy to them, to that almost makes up for it.

Donovan invited me to come visit him in Bellingham across the water, so with Brandy's leave I took the ferry there (which was glorious - I got some good reading done between scenery too!) when I arrived I quickly realised that it was a setup. Donovan had invited me there in order to sell me on the idea of becoming part of CC Bellingham and helping with the school of ministry out there and/or pastoring the church up in port Angeles (across from Victoria). I thanked him fo the tour of their gorgeous facilities (a renovated old-school theatre) and for the Teryaki spicy chicken that made me appear to have an emotional breakdown, and told him that I would pray with him and be open to any voice of the Lord moving us in that direction, but let him know that the direction we're currently being moved is the Magnolia district & school @ SPU (Lord willing). He was disappointed, and I was full of Teryaki and good humor. Although seriously, I am open to the possibility - but very much doubt it is the Lord's will for us at this time.

And all of this has become ridiculously long, so I will stop it here.

Thanks to Mel for putting me in the same sentence as Shakespeare.
I just ordered a copy of "Lord of the Rings" in a single volume. This is an exciting moment for me because when I first was truly regenerated I threw away all my LOTR stuff along with all my other fantasy literature. I had done that at the prompting of the Holy Spirit, my guess looking back was because it was such an escape for me it had turned into something of a "Slight healing" of the wounds of sin. The wholesale immersion of myself into fantasy dulled the pain and emptiness caused by my Disconnect with Jesus Christ. But now, some eight or so years later, my conscience is free once again and I want to give the Lord of the Rings another read through as a New Man.
I got some martial arts target mitts off ebay with the intent of exercising Brandy & I's (and maybe Josiah's) punching muscles. We've had them for about two weeks now and it's been a blast. Brandy's punches are getting harder every couple of days and I've been pleasantly surprised that she enjoys it. I also got her a longbow for christmas, and I'm looking forward to taking her out to the range to shoot.
More outrageous articles in the school newspaper, I think I'll probably write a response to one of them, but part of me feels like it would be doing nothing but exercising my futility muscles. Still, like William Wallace's father said in Braveheart: "I didn't say we had to beat them, we just have to fight them" - We shall see.
Youth group... The situation is still interesting. I have taught twice, and have led a couple small group "discussions" at least that's what they're supposed to be but the first one ended up being a group chat time becuase none of the kids were taking it seriously and because that's what they've always done before. I gave them a "why are you even here" speech and the next time everything went great, we kept on topic and prayed together meaningfully at the close, I even remember all of their names. A few of the older kids complain to me that their relationship with God is stagnant and they're frustrated with the youth group the way it's being run and the shallowness of the teaching and want me to start a study group outside of church that would be voluntary. I would really like that in one way, but I don't think they're being entirely fair to the current youth pastor and I wouldn't want it to be detrimental to what's already going on there. I'll have to talk to the Pastor and the Youth pastor and see what they think.
Speaking of pastors and youth pastors, the Pastor wants to meet for breakfast with me again. We went out to breakfast once before, a kind of "getting to know you" sort of thing once I expressed interest in the youth ministry, I don't know why he's asked to get together with me this time. It was a Wednesday night when he first mentioned it to me, he came in after youth group and said that he wanted to get together with me and talk, but he'd just been sued and his wife's mother had a stroke in service the week prior and had since died, and as he was telling all this to me I noticed that he had some kind of red inflammation like poison oak or something all over his face. I found out the suing is a ridiculous frivolous lawsuit against him and three other homeowners by a plumbing contractor who just finished suing a nearby county -apparently this is how this guy makes his living when he's not plumbing. But seriously, after hearing the pastor's story and thinking about the events in the lives of the pastors I've known for the past two years, it's enough to make me scared at the thought of becoming a pastor-it seems like being selected to storm Omaha beach on D-Day. Still...
Working with a new guy at SPU security, he's Irish (kind of) son of travelling missionary parents and a reader of sorts, so we have lots of interesting discussions. We talked about the history of the IRA, the popularity of Coldplay amongst the "cool" christian culture, and everything in between.
Applying for school here at SPU, hoping to get a degree in Classics. Just ordered transcripts to be sent to the admissions department from my former colleges, and now I'm just waiting for the Academic and Personal recommendations forms to be returned, then I'll be in. This is fixin' to be one busy year. We're going to move closer (as always, Lord willing) to the School in June when our lease is up, I'll be going to school, still don't know if we'll end up going to Calvary Seattle there or trying to keep coming here-(I can't see commuting back here from there though)
We're going to the NW Calvary Sr. Pastor's conference. Brandy already booked the rooms, she is as ever the superninja of the practical and administrative. Not only did she find the most economical hotels in the area, she booked rooms there for Don Rypstra and Chik as well as one for us. Nate and Marielle (Brandy's brother and sister-i-l) are in my good books forever for agreeing to sit on our babies while we go out to Spokane for the conference. It will be glorious being alone with Brandy, without children, by ourselves, together, for more than five minutes, without the constant threat of the little people getting out of bed to come and announce that they have to go to the bathroom or are sick or scared of gollum. As I said, Glorious.
Although Brandy wants another. I like the ones we have, the way I see it, three's good enough for God (think Trinity), so it's good enough for me. But the biological clock ticks fiercely, and I have promised to comply on conditions known only to her and I.
But I still think three is the # of completion. (Or is it perfection? Still, either way.)
I also bought Brandy a pair of hotboots. A sound investment.
Reading through Ezekiel. If anyone knows the meaning of Ezekiel 20:25&6 feel free to share, I've got some ideas, but initially it's very confusticating. The rest of Ezekiel is great as always, but I have found it necessary to balance it out by reading the gospel of John as well.
Just finished today listening to Christianaudio's free book of the month, "Abandoned to God" - the life of Oswald Chambers, by David McCasland I believe, narrated by Simon Vance (who's voice I appreciate) very edifying, too much to write, but I suggest you download it for free @ Christianaudio.com and listen through it. What a life in Christ. I pray that I live that way. I bought the complete OC works now and am reading through "Biblical Psychology" when I can. But I'll have to wait til my weekend (Monday) to really dig into it.

Peace to all of you in our Lord Jesus!
'cause that's all for now.