taste and see
but I've heard taste is mostly smell
taste and smell and see
that the Lord is good
but don't stop there
with three out of five
taste and smell and see and hear
and while you're at it reach out to touch
and some say there's six
seven if you count reason.
But when reason collapses in exhaustion
It takes a little desperation
to crawl through the cross
til you feel the empty tomb.
Some stop at the bleeding man
between earth and sky
and cry like a magdalene.
Some stop to spit and make some fun
because they've wanted this divorce for a while.
A few will ask for the body
because if Good dies
they want to stay in its corner
and remember when it was still swinging.
And some will keep crying
and won't stop for angels
because the only thing they ever loved
is dead.
And those few will be the first to hear
'cause blood has the same PH as tears
And those few
with noses congested from crying,
will yell something like
rabbodhai!
when the cross gives way
to a Living Man.

Well, now the van has been resurrected, It had died on the way to church, but after last Saturday when it started up, I drove it home and changed the fuel filter, and it's still running! Thank God. Also I used some mix-weld compound to fix the muffler, so now it doesn't sound like a 4-wheeler Harley Davidson anymore.

I'm listening to a couple of MP3's of "Kallistos Ware" An eastern orthodox bishop who's a big voice for the "orthodox" church. I'm listening out of interest because I've known a lot of fellow evangelicals who've gone orthodox, and remember my dad almost did for a while.

Also finished "Baudolino" by Umberto Eco, it was interesting but sad. Made me excited to look into Byzantine History more.

May 16th I'm gonna go sign up for classes @ SPU, that's also Josiah's birthday, so I hope to get it done and get out of there quick and easy.

We found out that apparently our lease is a year and 28 days, not just a year as we'd thought, so we have to wait to move for another month or so now. I was looking forward to moving sooner, but Rom 8:28 is still in full effect, so I trust it's for good reason.
I've finished memorizing Titus chapters 1&2 as part of the "Men In Turn" group @ Calvary Chapel South. This is the first time I've memorized two consecutive chapters of Scripture, (not the first time I've tried) and I was really happily surprised how easy it was! I guess in part it's because it's an assignment that I've been given, and there's an expectation of an authority (A Pastor) that I'll have a certain amount memorized every two weeks. It's sad that my own desire isn't enough to get me to memorize this quickly, that I need accountability to get it done, but it seems like it's like that with everything. For the past month or so, I've been working out and running with a friend from work every Monday and Tuesday morning - which I very likely wouldn't be doing if I didn't have someone who expected me to be there. I guess that accountability is like a means by which, If we're really serious about any sort of discipline, we'll reinforce our decisions. I remember when I first truly was saved, God impressed on me that I couldn't just lay around and expect God to sanctify me on the sly, If I wanted my eyes to be right, I had to get rid of my Maxim magazines, if I wanted to break out of my introspection and love people, I had to force myself to talk to people. If I was going to testify to Jesus Christ, I had to set myself up, by doing things like scripturally themed art pieces for school assignments to have a chance to explain them.

Well, I'm at work, and my break's up, and I guess that's all the thinking time I have.

Worship came out of my eyes
I poured out my soul
through the grate
down a hole
while my Idols lay still
as all idols will
now it's dripping in the dark
it's not like a set of keys
I can't bend hanger and fish it out
for a soul is a slippery thing
best kept for sure hands
and I need yours now
to forgive,
and fish it out.

We don't even know what we want.

Most of the time we think we know what we want, what will make us happy, but then as soon as we receive or achieve it we discover that it wasn't what we were looking for after all. It was definitely not that thing that was going to bring us happiness.
Since it seems like such a constant that we are wrong in what we want, would it be surprising if we turned out to be clueless as to the thing that WILL bring us happiness? We may think we DON'T want that very thing. (Of course, the biggest example would be God, in Christ)
I don't, honestly, want him at all times. But I believe that below all my confused and apparent desires he really is the only water that will meet my thirst, He's what I really want, even if I THINK i really want the used motor oil of sin, some girl to look at, some duty to neglect, some vindictive feeling to enjoy.
Just a little bit ago, I realised as I carried my bible to the couch to read that I didn't feel like reading it. I didn't feel like connecting to God at all, I just wanted to be left alone to do whatever popped into my mind.
But I read it anyway, and after the first couple sips I realised that it was what I wanted after all.
And I accuse women of not knowing what they want!
I guess none of us really know what we want most of the time.
Some would-be pop philosophers tap into this conundrum of desire (the incorrect identification of its object, and following sense of disappointment) and react with a sort of smiley despair & say something like "True happiness is to be found in the wanting, not the having" (Which to my mind seems to be a sideways admission that true happiness isn't to be had by anyone) A paraphrase might for this philosophy might be "Since the disease is terminal it's best to stay on painkillers til it's over."

I'm very glad that's not true.

I FINALLY finished N.T. Wright's "Resurrection Of The Son Of God". I've never taken that long to finish a book (as best as I can remember) It was a very good and informative book, I'll probably write a review of it or something, but not now. I don't think I'll read it again anytime soon, but I'm sure I'll go back and reference it frequently.

I love my job. I'm sure I've said that already. I cant wait to start going to school there again next year. (Lord Willing). I have one concern, My female co-workers have informed me that the student population is 70+% female, and they said that It was my destiny to get flirted with. Apparently (according to them) girls call in for security escorts across campus when they know the good looking guys are on duty. That's frightening to me because I'm such a beggar for compliments of any kind in the first place. I always want people to admire me and say good things about me-it's a weakness I've had as far back as I can remember. So I don't want to end up enjoying any of that sort of attention if it comes my way. I let Brandy know what they said and shared my fears with her. She's always a lot more compassionate than I would be in her position. Apparently she has been getting holla'd at when she walks the 1/2 mile down to the store lately too. My reaction to that thought was less composed.

First responder classes have been going very well. I passed all the practicals in the mid-class assessment, and found out that one of my trainers is a Christian. (I figured she was when she said C.S. Lewis was a good author after noticing me reading "Out of the Silent Planet" on a break). I also got chosen to act as a burn patient for the my classmates to treat in a practice session. I made it fun by yelling for morphine and aspirin, complaining that my burned jeans cost me sixty dollars and accusing my rescuers of trying to kill me. When they asked me if I had any allergies I responded "Fire".
It was a lot of fun.
They'd asked at the beginning of the class if any of us had seen a severe burn victim. I told them Pastor Chik's story, so that was the scenario I was told to act out for the practice.

I got some new and glorious music. Some Japanese Taiko drum music (gets the blood flowing) & some "bellydance" drum music at Brandy's request (which is very dance-able), then I got some Very, very beautiful acoustic fingerstyle guitar music by Andy McKee and Andy Fox that I'm listening to now.
I think there is some music that's like solvent to the soul-as it's playing your consciousness diffuses into it, and when it's over your sould re-precipitates, still reverberating with the vision-like impressions of the music. This is that kind of music.

Going to church tomorrow morning-looking forward to everything except getting up and ready. I'm getting sick apparently.