Elias.

A son of prayers, if there ever was one. He's still wheezy more than a baby should be (the surgeon told us that infants with TEF have softer tracheas), and his herniated belly-button might be causing us more concern than it warrants (doctors don't do anything about them until kids are four years old or so) - but overall he's been gaining weight quickly and acting more and more like his brothers and sister did at his age. I can finally write about him now, since the raw agony of panic has for the most part subsided, along with the bulk of all those feelings of foreboding I had before.

Still, the valleys of the shadow formed such a regular sort of rhythm for the last several months we can't help but feel a bit of flinching expectancy. Father, please forgive our fears, and at the same time don't lead us into temptation-deliver us from evil.

Also been feeling a general cloud of malaise - probably from lack of sleep and company - these last few weeks. Brandy has had even less sleep than I have, and the older kids have suffered quite a bit of neglect in the mornings. It's a little disappointing how much our family boat can rock after a few big waves. But still, the comforting rhythms of Thanking our Father in Heaven for our breakfast, reading to the kids before bed, or going through the first ten or so questions of the Westminster Shorter Catechism have done a lot to help us find our sea-legs again. The one thing I do miss is closer fellowship with other strong believers (or even not so strong believers).

I guess we could seek it out, but it's difficult to find time or presence of mind to arrange anything that would work, and so many friendly visits with believers we don't know so well can end up being mostly small talk.

Small talk...is it the human equivalent of canine rear-sniffing? I guess it's necessary in its way, as a sort of preliminary to real conversations that might follow; but it can be very tiring.

Going through Genesis for our weekly bible-study. Brandy can't participate as much since she's doing the bulk of baby-holding, and since bible-study hours coincide with Elias' fussy hours. Ben and Rose have been our faithful attendees for the past six months or more, others have come and gone, TJ's been so busy with his extra work at the Roaster in Camano Island he hasn't shown for a while. In a lot of ways a good bible study is a lot harder to put together than a "teaching". The organizer has to come up with questions that aren't too hard for people to understand, but aren't too easy either. Just like in a class, people are hesitant to answer the first because they think they'll get it wrong and embarrass themselves, or reluctant to answer the second kind because it's boring or degrading. Thinking of good questions is like fine-tuning a dial.

But life is Good, God has blessed us, I am full of blessings and peanut butter. The only think I want right now is Light, more Light - conscious fellowship with God in Christ.

Just finished a mildly depressing WWII/Holocaust sort of novel (Heidegger's Glasses), directly after (finally) finishing "The Foolishness of God" (Siegbert Becker) a book about the place of reason in the Theology of Martin Luther (fyi, it's not a very high place, he called reason a whore). Both have the brain swimming in an existential stew...nooooo, stew's too substantial, more like a thin soup where infrequent encounters with puzzling cubes of potato leave one with a sense of the nostalgia that accompanies impermanence.

Or something like that.

So now I'm dosing with Shaeffer's "The God Who is There". The Heidegger's Glasses had an achingly sad and unresolved love-story thread in it that made it necessary to call Brandy and tell her how very much I love her. I just finished Philippians on a work break and now out to check buildings in the dripping shadows of the witching hours.

In reaction to which I hold tight to the rifle of Phil. 4:6,7.

Opened my email this morning and read an email from a ministry called "Messianic Prophecy Bible Project". They're creating a bible to be used in outreach to Jewish people & to counter "counter-missionary" orthodox Jewish groups. It made me remember my time in Israel talking to orthodox Jews and reading through the OT a couple times. I recall there was a point where I was wondering if Torah observance was really necessary and to what degree, and what the exact relationship of the New Covenant to the old was. I remember talks with gentile believers in Israel that left me disturbed at their take on the New Covenant and the place of the Old, and wondering how different my own was, and if they were right that meant that Jesus really did mean to "start a new religion" that only borrowed a few concepts from Judaism.
I worked through most of those issues with the help of God, some, like the place of Torah observance in the life of a Jewish believer, I don't have completely cleared up yet. I can't imagine how confusing it would all be if I was an observant Jew who heard and wanted to believe the Gospel but was under the barrage of all the counter-missionary arguments.
I then went to Google videos and viewed some of the debates between believers and anti-messianic Rabbis, and the anti-messianic Rabbis in general seemed to have a more solid grasp on scripture than the believers. It was a little disheartening, and I prayed and went to my bible for some encouragement. I flipped straight open to Matthew 22-23, starting out with the portion describing Jesus' encounter with the Sadducees about the resurrection. The first verse I spied was . That struck me and I read on through the part where Jesus in his encounter with the Pharisees told them that the point of the law, the hinge and goal, was Love of God and Neighbor. Then on to the condemnation of them and their entire system, pointing out all their inconsistencies and the way they failed to read and apply the law correctly in accordance with the Great Commandment. He exposes them as the ones who were responsible for the murder of the OT prophets and who would be responsible for the persecution and murder of the NT prophets/scribes and wise men, ending with his loving plea over Jerusalem as the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her.

That was reassuring, to say the least. I can't think of a single scripture that would have been more so right then. So I popped in Switchfoot's "Hello Hurricane" & listened to the title track, drank a half gallon of tea, and went on a run through Discovery Park, where I took the above photo with my cellphone.

On other notes, Brandy is pregnant! we just found out last week. I'm always paranoid whenever she's pregnant that something will go wrong with the pregnancy/baby, so pray for me. That's part of my fear of having more children, I feel like all the ones so far have five fingers and toes, and we should quit while we're ahead. But God has spoken, and the due date is projected for July 22nd of next year. I'll publish the names but you have to promise you won't steal them. If it's a boy (which so far all the unofficial prophecies have pointed towards) we'll name him Elias Orion. If it's a girl, Ethne Evangeline.

We had our second Home Fellowship last night, TJ & Destiny came (of course) as well as Will from School. Sunday the church is going to have a big push to get people in home fellowships after the big Harvest Crusade that just came through town.

I registered for Winter classes the other day, Prayed and then wigged out after the bad-christmas-esque experience of hoping for and getting excited about particular classes which end up being full by the time I get a chance to register. I got stuck (I thought) with some lame classes that have nothing to do with my major, but after talking to my advisor I found out that the classes I really need aren't in the online catalog and all I had to do was fill out a couple of independent study forms (which I did).

"Do not let your hearts be troubled" - we have one instructor, the Christ. Now if only I could get consistent in following His instructions!

String theory.

Is it possible that beautiful creations could be the manifestation of strings?

Yes.

Brandy knits. And in this knitting, following a plan and pattern, a plan that was brought into being from non-being by desire, by a will (which in the language of the bible are the same thing) a string is knotted in on itself, pulled, pushed, wrapped, until a picture that exists only in the mind of the Maker takes shape in the material world.

A long, thin, uniform thing becomes by artistry a three-dimensional object, a curved and purposed thing, a rug for feet, a hat to cover a head, a pair of pants for an infant, or a scarf to shelter a human neck from the elements. And all from a string, the base element which when bent to the will of a thinker, becomes a solid, useful, and beautiful thing, which before the act, did not exist.

String theory - by Brandy.

It's Brandy's Birthday!

The van's broken down, so all I could do was order her something off Amazon, and make her a card.

Then, after the shop tows the car this morning, we'll be off to the Value Village for a thriftshop extravaganza. Nothing says Ivy family birthday like a trip to the thriftstore!

And Brandy doesn't look a day older than 26.

My glory has greenish windows
even though she claims they're blue
I maintain they're green like oceans
(yes, I'm colorblind, it's true.)

My help holds impressive powers
(for a girl her grip is good)
shaping home through godly hours
-God don't sleep (I say she should)

My friend fidgets; When she's shining,
shows the dimple on her cheek
shreds up silence with her laughter
humor perforates her speech.

And she makes life easy living,
is the flavor in my work,
She's the light in all my planning
-and my rest when eyes go dark.

Josh Garrels, everyone.
The best music I've heard since...Supertones maybe? It's really good. Words, music, worship, it's got it all. I downloaded "Jacaranda" from Itunes, and even though I could kick myself because Amazon has the download for less with higher-quality non-DRM mp3s, I don't regret buying the album at all. In fact, I can't stop listening to it!
I checked out his website & subscribed to his blog too, he seems like a really neat, really real guy overall. And a brother.

So, I highly recommend at least Jacaranda, and from what I've heard of it, "Lost Animals" too.

And Brandy just told me my nose is cold and wet like a dog. Not, mind you, like a dog's but like a dog. Since as we all know, dogs are perpetually wet.

Statistics is killing me! Well, at least it's hogging up my homework time. Lord willing, I'll continue to get good grades in it though. "West and the World" is as effortless as Western Civ. in HS, and Greek, well, I really need to devote more time to it. Especially as that's one of the main reasons I wanted to go to school.

Skipped out on a lot of homework time today, went running @ discovery park with TJ, who accused me of "going native" since I was doing a lot of jumping and sprinting-but it was so pristine and perfect out it just came natural.
Then I went out with Brandy & the kids to the Aquarium where I learned a lot about Octopi. Did you know they only live for 4 years tops? Then they spawn and die like salmon. Considering how intelligent they are I think that's sad.

Then we went to a park (yet another park) we live close to, yet have never been to before. I'll post a picture of it tomorrow.

I don't know anybody as good as you
faithfulness and truth
your beauty is a solid thing, and sure
bringing grace to plain things
practical, pure.
all the things I despised
you show, and I now see they mean more.
I always loved the equations,
but you live by the sums.
The ideals I worshipped haven't lasted
some have chipped and some have shattered
no one can reach those crazy dreams
so it's good to wake up
when visions fail
and find you.

The other day at the goodwill I finally broke down and got a copy of Luther's smaller catechism. I wanted it for a short reference to go over with the kids as a primer on Christian Doctrine, and I've looked through it multiple times over the years and have always considered it good & clear christian teaching. I remember when I was little at church we were heavy on story but not so much on doctrine-nothing was really well defined. So I figured I'd do them a favor, plus I was reading through Ephesians where he tells dads to raise their kids in the instruction and admonition of the Lord.
So anyways...
Today I slept until about 2pm and when I got up felt the need to do something edifying. So naturally I called Josiah and Jaelle over and pulled out the copy of Luther. It starts out with the ten commandments, and by the time we got to four I thought something wasn't right with the numbers, and then I realised, 'Ole brother Martin numbered the commandments like a Catholic! (Catholics blend out the "graven images" into the first, and it shifts the numbers down. They get #10 by splitting coveting into two: houses & the rest. Odd how houses get their own no-covet commandment and wives are stuck with donkeys.)But I figured the kids will forget the numbers anyway, and I can re-number them later. I wanted it for a guide more than anything, since I need something to go over all the basics, and I can embellish beyond that. By embellish, I don't mean make stuff up, but expand on.

Then Josiah asked why we should "fear" God (since Martin prefaces every commandment with the reason we should obey it-"fear and love of God"). That was a tough one to answer. I kept thinking about George MacDonald telling his childhood story of when he found out about hell, "predestination" etc..., and broke down crying, wondering how God could be more cruel than his earthly father, and how that thought eventually led to him becoming a Universalist. I didn't want to give Josiah that impression, so I tried to explain it by asking if he was scared of me, and he said no, and I said how about when I catch you doing something you're not supposed to, he said yeah, and we took it from there.
Then we all had a short fighing free-for-all, and I read a book with Enoch (who was listless and alone on the couch with a fever) until Brandy called us to the table for chicken soup.


Now I'm @ Work and my co-worker just found a giant dead rat at the entrance to the bertona modules. There are all kinds of wild (and not so wild) life around here. Yesternight I was checking Robbins and a large Opossum was at the south entry door. When I opened it, she just stared at me for a couple seconds before waddling off. 'possums always seem a little slow in the head.

I was just forced to shoot a squirrel with a blowgun in self defense.
Even though I hate squirrels, I wouldn't normally think to plug a dart in one, but this squirrel was threatening my wife and children.
At first it was trying to get to the bird feeder that's directly outside of the sliding glass door, which is when Brandy started making shooing motions at it. It moved in closer. Then Brandy opened the door & threw some pebbles at it, and it moved away just far enough to dodge the rocks, then came back and kept lunging at her through the glass.
So I pulled down the dart gun, opened the sliding door, and the squirrel charged. It was about three feet from my face when I hit it in the arm. It ran off into the wild where it belongs shaking it's arm with the four inch dart hanging out of it.
And I don't feel guilty, not one bit.
Take that, nut rat.

Regarding my last Blog.

It seems like when I come up against an apparent problem like the last one, or like a couple years ago with my questions about the apparent irreconcileability of the Gospel resurrection narratives, I have a problem. I tend to friek out a bit, and in my frieking out I transgress in a way that Job did not. I come very close to accusing God. I talked to Brandy about this, concerned because it doesn't seem right, and yet my upset-ness is the thing that drives me on for answers. And seeking and finding answers I am convinced is a good thing that pleases God.

Brandy said that the only thing that came to her mind was "Work out your Salvation in Fear and Trembling"; a passage from Philippians that I assumed I was familiar with. So I typed in "Fear Trembling" into the Biblegateway search engine, and the NT verses that came up all have to do with approaching God in one way or another (in one case approaching a servant of God). The Phil. verse in particular follows up this phrase with "Do everything without complaining or arguing"

So this, I believe, is my problem. I need to find a way to approach these things with fear and trembling, since in approaching them I approach God. Somehow I must maintain a strong desire for answers, but to avoid my flippant flirting with annoyance towards the LORD God almighty - who could squish me very righteously and easily, but has not yet.

So, I repent in dust and ashes and ask my God and Father to forgive me, and I ask for you, dear reader not to emulate my bad attitude of the past, and I ask finally for a more reverent heart to seek answers to future questions.

A Day in the Life of Me.

Today, I counted to 1,000 for Josiah. Well, now that I think of it, it was 1,020. I can't remember why we got on the subject, but he asked me how you counted to 1,000, and I told him it's like counting to 100 ten times. Then he asked me to show him. I started, expecting him to get bored at about two hundred, but no - he sat there watching me, sucking his thumb on and off, for the whole ten minutes or however long it took. Then I counted to 20, to make sure he knew that 1000 wasn't as high as I could count. Which doesn't really make sense, but it made him happy. For most of the time Jaelle was annoyed because the sound of me counting was interfering with her watching the "Planet Earth" DVD. But it ended when I hit about 700 so she went into the bedroom to look at books. (She can't read yet, but she'll just sit and look at books)
After counting to 1,020, Josiah wanted to gunfight. So we did, with these Nerf guns we got him for his birthday. He's a really good shot, he shot me just as much as I shot him - I guess I'm a larger target, but still, that's pretty good. But that's also what he spends most of his time doing, shooting. He got to be a really good shot with his little toy bow too.
Then Brandy came home, and after stuffing the kids with sandwiches and me watching a few gunfighting scenes from westerns or john woo movies with Josiah at his request. The last one was from a movie I've never seen in Chinese with Chow Yun Fat, and I got really into it but then it cut out at the crucial moment. Then the kids took a nap after getting me to pray for them, and Brandy and I sat down to watch the third disk of "Lost" with some cheesy bean dip, chips, and a couple glasses of wine, but not before Brandy sent off the application for the apartment in Queen Ann that we're going for. Then I took my one and a half hour nap, & Brandy was able to snuggle with me for the first five minutes which was nice. Then I woke up to go to work, listening to "Enter the Worship Circle" #2 and thinking again that I should really start picking up the guitar again. And also thinking and praying that I really want to feel what I'm singing and wondering why I don't always and in what areas my relationship to Jesus Christ and the Father is deficient - and wondering about the nature of faith and how C.S. Lewis said that what pleases God most is when a man feels utterly abandoned by God but keeps on believing and obeying, and how O. Chambers says (over and over again) that we aren't meant to live in the "mountaintop experience" but to live in the light of it in the valley, where we spend most of our time. Then I thought about that song I love by Derek Webb "Wedding Dress", and thought about the most recent music by him, how he's become a little too cool for me, all anti-war pro-gay and S-word saying. Then I wondered about Martin Luther and the lawfulness of saying such words, and Then I thought about that mini-sermon "Others May, You Cannot" thing and about my conversation with Nate Musson the other day.
And now, I'm at dispatch refreshing my memorization of Titus amidst incoming calls and manning the reception desk.

Brandy, my wonderful wife, is going to start blogging soon. Maybe. You can click on the link titled "The Ivy Tree" on the left to take you there.

I have a headache. But the aspirin is casting it out slowly.

The day after tomorrow I am being sent to "Fire Academy" where we get to play fireman out at some Firefighter training academy up in the mountains for some 12 odd hours - dressing up in the gear and putting out fires. It's for work, since we're the first responders for fire emergencies as well as medical and pretty much everything else.

This is an interesting job, in a lot of ways it reminds me of being an on-call chaplain in St. Paul. Last week I had to respond to a call where a girl was cutting herself to relieve stress and ended up doing a worse job than she'd intended. NOT what I'd want to see, but I guess I'd rather it be me than someone else responding to it. I got to talk to her boyfriend a couple days later and he was very grateful for what we did, and said that she was doing better now. He said I was very "calming".
I seem to have that effect on many people. It's almost like I'm a sedative or something. I remember when I was little my mom would have me read to her to put her to sleep, which was very annoying to me because I want ppl to enjoy a book with me if I'm reading it to them, and if they're asleep that's hardly what I had in mind. Brandy falls asleep when I read to her too.

The first round of Layoffs @ SPU is over, and Safety and Security got through it unscathed, as far as I know. Next year they'll reassess and see if we need to lose more ppl. Praise God I kept my job, I really do like it here. And it's nice being at a job where I expect to stay for longer than two years. I wonder, it would hardly do for them to lay me off now that I'm accepted to go to school here, since I'll (Lord Willing) be bringing in more money with grants etc... than they pay me in a year.

Brandy & Theresa caught a crab at the beach on accident while gathering shells two or three weeks ago. it's a little tiny shore crab (about as big as a dime) with a white carapace. Brandy decided to keep it as a pet and got rocks and sand and a round fishbowl thing to keep it in with barnacles and krill and other tiny sea creatures that came along for the ride in the bucket. She goes to the beach every couple of days to get fresh seawater for the new "aquarium". Then night after she decided to keep it she had a dream where it grew huge and got out of the cage and I was trying to catch it but it was too fast, and then it turned into a dog, like the Scrunt from "Lady in the Water". Hopefully that doesn't happen. When Theresa found it she was washing shells in the sink and it jumped out, and she tried to hit it (Brandy & Theresa like to kill small things that crawl) but only succeeded in knocking off two of it's tiny legs. But yesterday it molted and its legs grew back. Brandy says it looks a lot bigger now, and I laughed and said as long as it doesn't turn into a dog we're all right. She laughed because that's what she was thinking about too.

Just listened to Andrew Petersen's "Far Country" on the drive in tonight, made me tear up. I haven't listened to that album in a long while, but it's so good, especially "Queen of Iowa". His voice is kind of nasal, but the words and the passion make up for it. I remember when Dominic got me that album off Itunes he said it reminded him of me. That whole year it seemed like everything I was reading and listening to had to do with Heaven, the New Heavens and Earth, and the Resurrection. That was a good year but intense. I want that kind of intensity though, I want to be urgent in everything that has to do with Jesus and the Gospel - even if it gives me ulcers. Like the four month period (more like a year off and on) where I was trying to reconcile the accounts of the resurrection in the gospels & that was a huge issue because it would decide whether or not I would be able to believe in the inerrancy of scripture. I want to take all these things seriously, because if they're real, they're pretty much the only things worth taking seriously, and if they're not, than they're not worth "taking" at all.

The last couple weeks I feel like I've been in isolation, all I've been doing is working, I hardly feel like I've been able to spend time with Brandy or the kids, but I haven't really done anything with anyone outside of the house.

Well, that's not entirely true. T.J. and I have been working out about once a week, and I'm almost to the level I was when I'd stopped working out in college! It makes me happy. Although I ran two miles on the treadmill this morning and it took me 18 minutes!!! that's terrible - more of a jog than a run. AND I dropped my Ipod.

But I do want to DO something. Something important. I really need to start getting some bible studies ready.

TJ and I had a long talk about the upper middle class after working out this morning. I don't like the upper middle class, and he wants to be the upper middle class. I guess for me when I think of the upper middle class I think about the seed sown on the thorny ground, where the thorns which were the cares of the world and deceitfulness of riches grew around the plant and choked it. But that doesn't give me any right to dislike them I suppose, I should love them... But I don't trust them.

Almost finished with a book cover for Beth that I promised to do at the beginning of the year...horrible - why do I take so long with everything? I finally got the scanner at work to work and was able to get the image on my computer. T.J. looked through my sketchbook and spent the rest of the hour trying to convince me to go into freelance graphic design and make lots of money. I thought that was funny. Also, it seems like every time I draw people, the guys I draw look like me. I've got to start drawing other guys out of magazines or something to get out of that rut. It comes from having to use myself as a model and getting facial proportions off myself for my concept of what the male face looks like. But it's odd, I don't try and make them look like me.

I want to read "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand, after reading "Anthem" I really want more. Apparently they're making a movie of it too.

And now I've got to get to work.

I should honestly post more often because whenever I DO sit down to type I can't think of where to begin and what should be left out to make it readable...

The pastor's conference in the beginning of Feb was phenomenal. Not only did they have free espresso drinks and gluttony-provoking food catered in-house, the spiritual food and caffeine was fit to match it. We'd gone hoping mainly for some time together away from the kids (I had been disappointed by a "Men's Rally" sort of conference I'd gone to some weeks before and had very low expectations for the teaching portion) but the sessions were very worthwhile. The drive out was beautiful, I had Brandy read me "The Fellowship of the Ring" for as long as she could (which wasn't very long) but that was just about fine because the scenery through the mountains demanded too much attention to listen anyway. I saw Venus about a hundred feet up in the air, it looked like if I'd climbed to the summit of a nearby mountain I could've touched it. We got to stop at a perkins for breakfast with Jeremiah & Nicole (I haven't had a perkins breakfast in forever, and very few things are as fun as road trip caravan breakfast breaks).
When we were actually at the conference we had some good conversing time with pastor (my father in law) Don, Pastor Seth, & Pastor Chik - who screamed and performed his usual theatre at the catering table enough to make four hundred people stop and stare, until it felt like Appleton.
The conference began with communion and a request that we pray for one another concerning whatever was on our hearts, I asked some nearby brethren to pray for me about our future (to go to school or not, to move closer to Seattle or not, to start a bible study or not) and to keep me from pride (concerning the guys in youth group, who seem to consider me some sort of genius) - yes, I know it's lame to even have to fight pride over the compliments of 18 year olds, but everyone has their weakness, and mine (one of them) is being complimented. And that's exactly why I was begging for prayer. One of the guys all but accused me of repressing my wife who he was sure was just waiting for a chance to cut me down to size, he was sure of this because that's what his wife does. At first I bristled a little, but I figured I'd let him assume whatever he wanted to assume so long as he prayed for me, and if there was anything in need of remedying, God would remedy it. So they prayed for me and I prayed for them, after which I told Brandy about the conversation and asked her if she felt oppressed and if there was anything she would like to say to bring me back to the cold reality of my insufficiency as a human being, and she proceeded to tell me how gifted she thinks I am, which I told her didn't help my pride at all, but did make her seem a lot hotter even than usual.
Then the second speaker covered the subject of pride thoroughly enough to disembowel my self-esteem through my tear ducts, which I take to always be an act of God, and the one two later spoke about the future. Then at the lunch session on the second day P. Chik called me aside to exhort me to get to what we came out here for and start a church before I got old and fogeyey. I also took this to be the voice of God.

So Brandy & I have been praying about the where and how. Last week we went on a drive through the Magnolia district as it is close to the university and has no CC's within a fair radius. It was gorgeous. I declared a major today in the admissions dept, and picked up the requirement sheet for the "Classics" major. I also reveived the news from Fin. Aid that they won't really have anything to say to me re: my Fafsa until about April - which surprised me since they sent me an email a week ago telling me I needed to submit my FAFSA post haste since the time was fast approaching. Maybe they thought I was applying for spring semester.

Took Brandy out Arching with her longbow, it was a comical experience all round and worthwhile, but I've got to find a closer place for us to shoot at. Puyallup is kind of out of the way. Enoch was miserable the entire time at being in his stroller and not being allowed to wander in the line of fire, and he did his best to make sure everyone else was miserable too.
Brandy got better by the time we wrapped up for the day, she also got a lot of bruising on her left forearm from the string drag. We need to get her some sort of arm guard thingie.

My old best friend from High School Ian McDonald the agnostic lawyer finally emailed me back. I thought he was done with me and due to the influence of Seattle's atmosphere didn't want to talk to his fundamentalist friend Judah anymore, but apparently I was mistaken, he's been in self-imposed exile studying for the Bar for the second time. He suggested we go out for coffee or a run, I suggested we go with the coffee, and he also wanted to have dinner sometime & meet my kids. I was just praying for him a couple days ago for the first time in some months, so I don't think it's coincidence that he contacted me when he did. I'm really looking forward to seeing him again.

After sending out a stock email about my book of poetry I self-published via "Blurb.com" I received two email responses of "Congratulations" which was exremely embarrassing, I think they thought it was actually published by a publishing house of some kind. It made me feel like that time in Jerusalem when a rabbi was being effusively welcoming and friendly to me until he figured out I was not a Jewish youth contemplating making aliah - at which point he shuddered at the thought of having spoken to a goy such as I and sped away.
But another person is paying me to autograph and send a copy to them, to that almost makes up for it.

Donovan invited me to come visit him in Bellingham across the water, so with Brandy's leave I took the ferry there (which was glorious - I got some good reading done between scenery too!) when I arrived I quickly realised that it was a setup. Donovan had invited me there in order to sell me on the idea of becoming part of CC Bellingham and helping with the school of ministry out there and/or pastoring the church up in port Angeles (across from Victoria). I thanked him fo the tour of their gorgeous facilities (a renovated old-school theatre) and for the Teryaki spicy chicken that made me appear to have an emotional breakdown, and told him that I would pray with him and be open to any voice of the Lord moving us in that direction, but let him know that the direction we're currently being moved is the Magnolia district & school @ SPU (Lord willing). He was disappointed, and I was full of Teryaki and good humor. Although seriously, I am open to the possibility - but very much doubt it is the Lord's will for us at this time.

And all of this has become ridiculously long, so I will stop it here.

Thanks to Mel for putting me in the same sentence as Shakespeare.
I just ordered a copy of "Lord of the Rings" in a single volume. This is an exciting moment for me because when I first was truly regenerated I threw away all my LOTR stuff along with all my other fantasy literature. I had done that at the prompting of the Holy Spirit, my guess looking back was because it was such an escape for me it had turned into something of a "Slight healing" of the wounds of sin. The wholesale immersion of myself into fantasy dulled the pain and emptiness caused by my Disconnect with Jesus Christ. But now, some eight or so years later, my conscience is free once again and I want to give the Lord of the Rings another read through as a New Man.
I got some martial arts target mitts off ebay with the intent of exercising Brandy & I's (and maybe Josiah's) punching muscles. We've had them for about two weeks now and it's been a blast. Brandy's punches are getting harder every couple of days and I've been pleasantly surprised that she enjoys it. I also got her a longbow for christmas, and I'm looking forward to taking her out to the range to shoot.
More outrageous articles in the school newspaper, I think I'll probably write a response to one of them, but part of me feels like it would be doing nothing but exercising my futility muscles. Still, like William Wallace's father said in Braveheart: "I didn't say we had to beat them, we just have to fight them" - We shall see.
Youth group... The situation is still interesting. I have taught twice, and have led a couple small group "discussions" at least that's what they're supposed to be but the first one ended up being a group chat time becuase none of the kids were taking it seriously and because that's what they've always done before. I gave them a "why are you even here" speech and the next time everything went great, we kept on topic and prayed together meaningfully at the close, I even remember all of their names. A few of the older kids complain to me that their relationship with God is stagnant and they're frustrated with the youth group the way it's being run and the shallowness of the teaching and want me to start a study group outside of church that would be voluntary. I would really like that in one way, but I don't think they're being entirely fair to the current youth pastor and I wouldn't want it to be detrimental to what's already going on there. I'll have to talk to the Pastor and the Youth pastor and see what they think.
Speaking of pastors and youth pastors, the Pastor wants to meet for breakfast with me again. We went out to breakfast once before, a kind of "getting to know you" sort of thing once I expressed interest in the youth ministry, I don't know why he's asked to get together with me this time. It was a Wednesday night when he first mentioned it to me, he came in after youth group and said that he wanted to get together with me and talk, but he'd just been sued and his wife's mother had a stroke in service the week prior and had since died, and as he was telling all this to me I noticed that he had some kind of red inflammation like poison oak or something all over his face. I found out the suing is a ridiculous frivolous lawsuit against him and three other homeowners by a plumbing contractor who just finished suing a nearby county -apparently this is how this guy makes his living when he's not plumbing. But seriously, after hearing the pastor's story and thinking about the events in the lives of the pastors I've known for the past two years, it's enough to make me scared at the thought of becoming a pastor-it seems like being selected to storm Omaha beach on D-Day. Still...
Working with a new guy at SPU security, he's Irish (kind of) son of travelling missionary parents and a reader of sorts, so we have lots of interesting discussions. We talked about the history of the IRA, the popularity of Coldplay amongst the "cool" christian culture, and everything in between.
Applying for school here at SPU, hoping to get a degree in Classics. Just ordered transcripts to be sent to the admissions department from my former colleges, and now I'm just waiting for the Academic and Personal recommendations forms to be returned, then I'll be in. This is fixin' to be one busy year. We're going to move closer (as always, Lord willing) to the School in June when our lease is up, I'll be going to school, still don't know if we'll end up going to Calvary Seattle there or trying to keep coming here-(I can't see commuting back here from there though)
We're going to the NW Calvary Sr. Pastor's conference. Brandy already booked the rooms, she is as ever the superninja of the practical and administrative. Not only did she find the most economical hotels in the area, she booked rooms there for Don Rypstra and Chik as well as one for us. Nate and Marielle (Brandy's brother and sister-i-l) are in my good books forever for agreeing to sit on our babies while we go out to Spokane for the conference. It will be glorious being alone with Brandy, without children, by ourselves, together, for more than five minutes, without the constant threat of the little people getting out of bed to come and announce that they have to go to the bathroom or are sick or scared of gollum. As I said, Glorious.
Although Brandy wants another. I like the ones we have, the way I see it, three's good enough for God (think Trinity), so it's good enough for me. But the biological clock ticks fiercely, and I have promised to comply on conditions known only to her and I.
But I still think three is the # of completion. (Or is it perfection? Still, either way.)
I also bought Brandy a pair of hotboots. A sound investment.
Reading through Ezekiel. If anyone knows the meaning of Ezekiel 20:25&6 feel free to share, I've got some ideas, but initially it's very confusticating. The rest of Ezekiel is great as always, but I have found it necessary to balance it out by reading the gospel of John as well.
Just finished today listening to Christianaudio's free book of the month, "Abandoned to God" - the life of Oswald Chambers, by David McCasland I believe, narrated by Simon Vance (who's voice I appreciate) very edifying, too much to write, but I suggest you download it for free @ Christianaudio.com and listen through it. What a life in Christ. I pray that I live that way. I bought the complete OC works now and am reading through "Biblical Psychology" when I can. But I'll have to wait til my weekend (Monday) to really dig into it.

Peace to all of you in our Lord Jesus!
'cause that's all for now.

I wake up in the Mourning and realise she's not there

What can I do when half of me is gone?
when my heart has flown away on steely wings
with all the warmth that used to clothe my peace
then what is left for me?
When I close my eyes I can see her skin
when I am alone I hear her breathe
I am on pause, I am in a rage
and all the sweet breeze of order
the other half of our metaphor
all the auric beauty that is painted with her name
is vanished like a morning mist
in the deathly light of another day
and I am left sitting in a cage
my T-shirts are my sackcloth
and my showers are all dust
while I say that I am not thinking of her hair
and the smooth curve of her neck
as it slopes like an alder tree to meet her shoulder
when I say I am not reaching for her in my sleep
my blood is beating too hard
for those lies to be believed.
I am an unwilling abstinence
from her face and from her lips
and I am at war with distance.
If I could mail her a kiss
wrap it in satin to keep it soft
could I send her a blank piece of paper
to let her know all the things that need to be spoken
with my cheek touching hers
If i could catch a bird
and teach it to sing
and tell it why I miss her,
how she is like a sunrise
that hasn't come for too many days
than I would convince it to migrate to your side of earth
and tell you the gospel of my love.
And then, maybe then
It would give her its wings
so she could fly back to me.