Why this urge to justify?
An unrighteous thread in a tapestry of rebellion
what is it in me
that cries out for a verdict
that my fibers are not as soiled
as the surrounding warp and weft?
The only outside eye can see
more clearly than I
and if I call for a premature
appearance of the Judge of all the earth
who can endure the day of his coming?
Who can stand when he appears?
For he will be like a refiner's fire!
But I will call out for cleansing of
what is unclean in me
and let him be to me not a judge of others,
but for me, a launderer's soap.

Work's getting exciting again, lots of drunks and thieves, and drunken thieves!

Just wrapping up what turned out to be a trying week. First, via a scheduling mistake I missed about six hours worth of very important and expensive meetings on Tuesday (which I've gotten a letter of reprimand for), then being told on Wednesday I couldn't be financed for the Lasik appointment I was supposed to have Thursday, which was the biggest bummer because I've been looking forward to that particular appointment for about a month and been wearing glasses (no contacts) for about that long in preparation. I've rescheduled for February, so I can figure out what's going on with my credit & possibly save enough so I don't have to do the CareCredit thing. I have wanted to get Lasik for about a decade, so that was the biggest letdown. Then there was breaking my toe the day before missing the meetings on a dumbell the kids had hidden under a jacket in the dining room. I've also been tense because my second big Biology test which I took this friday. Still waiting for the results on that one.

Brandy can tell you I was very melodramatic about all this. Since Friday I think I've been able to rein it in a bit. I do want to curb the habit of telling people my problems, as it seems I'm always more eager to tell them then they are to listen-even if they ask-and It doesn't help much. The whole deal did help me realize that my stamina for disaster has gone way down. I managed to say "blessed be the name of the lord" but with a very sour face. I'd prefer to be to the point character-wisewhere I could honestly sing a worship song in similar circumstances.

Our microwave has developed a Zeus complex. The other day as Brandy was heating up some peas in a bowl it began throwing lightning around inside and making a loud snapping noise...not a good sign. So remembering a couple years ago in St. Paul when our then-microwave spontaneously combusted I had Brandy unplug it until we can figure out what's wrong or throw it away.
As a man once sung - "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone..." I had to heat up my cold coffee by dumping some boiling water into it. Just not the same.
Radioactive cube of convenience, why have you failed us?

And yet, Romans 8:28 is in full effect. Though He slay my microwave, yet will I trust Him.

We don't even know what we want.

Most of the time we think we know what we want, what will make us happy, but then as soon as we receive or achieve it we discover that it wasn't what we were looking for after all. It was definitely not that thing that was going to bring us happiness.
Since it seems like such a constant that we are wrong in what we want, would it be surprising if we turned out to be clueless as to the thing that WILL bring us happiness? We may think we DON'T want that very thing. (Of course, the biggest example would be God, in Christ)
I don't, honestly, want him at all times. But I believe that below all my confused and apparent desires he really is the only water that will meet my thirst, He's what I really want, even if I THINK i really want the used motor oil of sin, some girl to look at, some duty to neglect, some vindictive feeling to enjoy.
Just a little bit ago, I realised as I carried my bible to the couch to read that I didn't feel like reading it. I didn't feel like connecting to God at all, I just wanted to be left alone to do whatever popped into my mind.
But I read it anyway, and after the first couple sips I realised that it was what I wanted after all.
And I accuse women of not knowing what they want!
I guess none of us really know what we want most of the time.
Some would-be pop philosophers tap into this conundrum of desire (the incorrect identification of its object, and following sense of disappointment) and react with a sort of smiley despair & say something like "True happiness is to be found in the wanting, not the having" (Which to my mind seems to be a sideways admission that true happiness isn't to be had by anyone) A paraphrase might for this philosophy might be "Since the disease is terminal it's best to stay on painkillers til it's over."

I'm very glad that's not true.

I FINALLY finished N.T. Wright's "Resurrection Of The Son Of God". I've never taken that long to finish a book (as best as I can remember) It was a very good and informative book, I'll probably write a review of it or something, but not now. I don't think I'll read it again anytime soon, but I'm sure I'll go back and reference it frequently.

I love my job. I'm sure I've said that already. I cant wait to start going to school there again next year. (Lord Willing). I have one concern, My female co-workers have informed me that the student population is 70+% female, and they said that It was my destiny to get flirted with. Apparently (according to them) girls call in for security escorts across campus when they know the good looking guys are on duty. That's frightening to me because I'm such a beggar for compliments of any kind in the first place. I always want people to admire me and say good things about me-it's a weakness I've had as far back as I can remember. So I don't want to end up enjoying any of that sort of attention if it comes my way. I let Brandy know what they said and shared my fears with her. She's always a lot more compassionate than I would be in her position. Apparently she has been getting holla'd at when she walks the 1/2 mile down to the store lately too. My reaction to that thought was less composed.

First responder classes have been going very well. I passed all the practicals in the mid-class assessment, and found out that one of my trainers is a Christian. (I figured she was when she said C.S. Lewis was a good author after noticing me reading "Out of the Silent Planet" on a break). I also got chosen to act as a burn patient for the my classmates to treat in a practice session. I made it fun by yelling for morphine and aspirin, complaining that my burned jeans cost me sixty dollars and accusing my rescuers of trying to kill me. When they asked me if I had any allergies I responded "Fire".
It was a lot of fun.
They'd asked at the beginning of the class if any of us had seen a severe burn victim. I told them Pastor Chik's story, so that was the scenario I was told to act out for the practice.

I got some new and glorious music. Some Japanese Taiko drum music (gets the blood flowing) & some "bellydance" drum music at Brandy's request (which is very dance-able), then I got some Very, very beautiful acoustic fingerstyle guitar music by Andy McKee and Andy Fox that I'm listening to now.
I think there is some music that's like solvent to the soul-as it's playing your consciousness diffuses into it, and when it's over your sould re-precipitates, still reverberating with the vision-like impressions of the music. This is that kind of music.

Going to church tomorrow morning-looking forward to everything except getting up and ready. I'm getting sick apparently.